*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.