The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
You Might Also Like
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.