hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
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If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Animal poetry
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
A bold strategy
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬