When you’re Kinky but poor
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KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
meanwhile over on facebook
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
That’s it.I’m out.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”