forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
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[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
are they though??
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Thoughts
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!