Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
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Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING