I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
You Might Also Like
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Leonardo DiCaprisun
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night