Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Mornin
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”