Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
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If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
When I said I liked it rough.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
reminder
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!