Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
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my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Alexa; make it look like an accident
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Me checking my bank balance online.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.