INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You Might Also Like
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.