[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.