My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
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The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw