ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
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so i’m at the stock market right
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
some cats are just doing for fun!
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!