[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
You Might Also Like
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Breaking news:
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
How do you like your Corgi?
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me too 😆
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”