“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
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Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.