-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
You Might Also Like
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
me irl
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
🙋♀️
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.