interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
#Caturday
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”