I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.