[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
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Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Good boy 😂😂
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.