My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
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My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.