What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
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WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Not helping
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape