Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
You Might Also Like
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic