The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
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I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG