giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
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If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
When ur friends with white people
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.