Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
😅🤣😂
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
So glad we cleared that up
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
i want to work in this restaurant