sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I’d love this…lol
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
He-man has a Masters degree
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.