As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
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What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
spot the difference
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad