Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
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My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.