🤣😈🤣
You Might Also Like
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
😂😂
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome