My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.