literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
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Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?