God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
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Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
this is how life feels
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it