“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
The Punning Dead.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
how to have fun when you’re poor
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets