“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
You Might Also Like
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs