lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
WWE is French for “yes”
this could fix me
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”