a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
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[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway