They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
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My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
🤣🤣🤣
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.