Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485