i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
What fresh Hell is this?!?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!