If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.