Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
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*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*