I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
You Might Also Like
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?