Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
plant them where lol
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
⛄️
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!