“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I see your IQ test came back negative
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.