Okay, I’m still confused…
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I need a chiropractor for my brain.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.