*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
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For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Warm pools make me nervous.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.