[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
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It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.