<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
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when someone rings the doorbell
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Trying