911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.